Taking the Plunge: The Annual, Internationally Acclaimed Toliet Paper Roll Off

 

 

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Stories are as stories were. Their propelling magnetism, mystifying allure, and ever thickening plot lines interlace with their dastardly daring, humorously dislodging and mischievously deceptive adventures. Each one offering a unique portal of uncharted exploration. Whether it’s up the chimney, down the toilet or through the drain pipe, story’s magical allure draws each of us into the moment of now. Into the presence of story’s reality.

It’s the eve of this year’s annual Toilet Paper Roll Off. Circling the stadium, ardent fans arrive papered with discarded catalogs, farm’s almanacs and outdated magazines. Stadium watchers plunge through the night sopping up previously read reading material, engaging in inspired inner reflection and jamming to piping hot tunes. At day break ardent fans, later joined by cheering crowds, fill stadium seats.

Four pre-a-plyed teams represent this year’s, internationally acclaimed, Toilet Paper Roll Off. Announcers’ rallying voices mark the official unwrapping of this annual event. Fans tear it up. Sponsors pay it out. Manufactures cash it in.

Stirring up the bowls, this year’ tubular sensations include;

The City of Nottingham’s  Tax-a-Coin Profiteers, in gold;
Sherwood Forest’s Merrily Heisting Bandits in green, and
The internationally acclaimed, racing legends: Hares’ Rival Racers in orange, and Tortoises’Terrestrial Centenarians in khaki tan uniforms.

Sheets of pre-embossed, standardized, prefabricated rolls of perforated paper, line the playing field. Pre-event tension sparks opposition between opposing teams.

Fans wait in tanked anticipation. Questioning wonderment fills the stadium. Will Sherwood Forest’s Merrily Heisting Bandits steal the trophy from Nottingham’s Tax-a-Coin Profiteers or will the Hares’ Rival Racers leap ahead, securing a victory over Tortoises’ Terrestrial Centurions? In the final round, who will handle the plunge of victory  in the celebrated swirl of the grand flush?

Working the crowds, the City of Nottingham’s Tax-a-Coin Profiteers confiscate
ill-gained, game-watcher, tax revenues. Standing on the sidelines Sherwood Forest’s Merrily Heisting Bandits are cleaning up on their Up to the Tank, charity bowl donations.

Crashing stadium food stands, Hares’ hungry Rival Racers tank up; prior to, instead of during, this event. Dodging solar rays, Tortoises’ Terrestrial Centurions shell up under stacked stadium seating.

Wrapping up this event’s charity donations, in an unprecedented, bowl-marked decision, Sherwood Forest’s Merrily Heisting Bandits have forfeited their place in this years Toilet Paper Roll Off. Rumors around the bowl indicate a now, unguarded, fair maiden’s kiss awaits their return.

Rolling up, minutes prior to the official roll off, two more event-plying teams submit their applications.

Announcers’ officially welcome the ever popular, yet controversial, Troll Bridge Goat Guzzlers, in blue, and the Fields of Green Butting Billies, in grey.

Tearing up this year’s fans, another, unprecedented, bowl-marked decision blares through stadium speakers. Pending an unanimous vote, the City of Nottingham’s Tax-a-Coin Profiteers have been disqualified due to illegal, bowl-taxing, revenue gains. Thus taking the competition back down from a five-ply to a four-ply event.

Horn’s blare, announcing the official roll off of this year’s, annual competition. Swirling into center field gush the Troll Bridge Goat Guzzlers and the Fields of Green Butting Billies. Dispensing with the traditional layers of protection and tubular roll-wear; saliva-leaking Troll Bridge Goat Guzzlers roll on single-ply bibs. Lowering their brows, bearing their horns, the Field of Green Butting Billies charge ahead. Horrified, referees plunge foreword, stopping-up premeditated rule violators. Disqualifying penalties officially flush the Troll Bridge Goat Guzzlers and the Field of Green Butting Billies out of this year’s Roll Off.

Once again horns blare. Announcers’ voices waver. Tanked tensions mount. Eyes narrow. Torso’s cringe. Above the bowls, Hares’ Rapid Racers lie tanked; overstuffed on ill-gotten, stadium’s, food stand’s, prepackaged cuisine. Below stadium seating Tortoises’ Terrestrial Centurions remain shelled and snoring. Crowds hiss. Ardent fans boo. Referees pace. More horns blare.

Startled, Tortoises’ Terrestrial Centenarians jolt forward. Bleachers quake. Stadium seats wobble. Audience members topple. Screaming sirens on rescue vehicles stream in from the sidelines.

Spilling-out, onto the field, non-a-plyed, ardent fans put on roll-wears and layer on protection. Prepared, Tortoises’ Terrestrial Centenarians mark their places on the playing field.

Horns blare. Crowds cheer. Announcers announce. Brushing-it-up, ardent fans take the plunge. Swirling onto the playing field, they tuber-ly roll through perforated, multi-ply-ed paper mounds, crest high on overflowing water basins and round out clogged pipe-ways. Team players skillfully dodge protruding bristles, low-flowing Terrestrial Centenarians and unseasoned, self-dispensing, ardent fans. Skidding into the final roll off, crowds seize. Announcers forget to breath. Barely a-ply between these two teams, announcers fear the worst. A non-tie breaking, duel flush could compost this year’s closing ceremonies.

Horns blare. Crowds cheer. Announcers’ voices boom. Victorious, winning by a splinter, ardent fans clean up and wrap up this year’s, annual, Toilet Paper Roll Off.

Wearing her aftermarket glass slippers, Cinderella’s legendary, fairy godmother wands in this year’s closing ceremonies. Horns blare. Crowds cheer. Announcers announce. Hurling onto the porta-podium, ardent fans enthusiastically accept the famed Golden Plunger Award.

Staked, packed and layered, Tortoises’ Terrestrial Centenarians unite on the porcelain throne. Horns blare. Crowds cheer. Dropping her wand, Cinderella’s fairy god-mother pulls the handle. The toilet flushes. Toilet water swirls. Failing to make the bend, Tortoises’ Terrestrial Centenarians clog closing ceremonies. They overflow surrounding drain pipes and purge local sewage systems.

No horns blare. No crowds cheer. No announcers announce. Cinderella’s fairy godmother is wiped out. Hares’ Rapid Racers run. Crowds stampede. Furious, ardent fans blow their lids. De-shelled and shivering, but no longer clogged or plugged; now retired, Tortoises’ Terrestrial Centurions withdraw from next year’s competition. Sponsors bail. Manufactures get it covered.

Tales of Tales
Robin Hood
Tortoise and the Hare
Three Billy Goats Gruff
Cinderella

Off the Roll Trivia
November 19 marks the World Toilet Day aimed at bringing awareness and inspired action to world sanitation issues.

An overflowing thanks goes to Sir John Harrington, in 1596, for inventing the first flushing lavatory! Fortunately for us, while folks in the mid-centuries put a thumbs down to the idea, folks living in the late 19th century loved it. They improved it and they institutionalized the use of it, giving it a double thumbs up.

Rolling ahead, in 1935, Northern Tissue advertised the first of its kind; splinter free tp.

Until next time . . . Let Your Storyographer’s Journey Continue!

 

 

 

 

 

 

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